So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
