so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
