Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
