I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
