Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
