someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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