Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
