I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
