Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
