My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
