I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
A+ Viking dick
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
