Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize