You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize