I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
