Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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