also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
