im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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