he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
