Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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