I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My penis needs a shock collar
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
