What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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