I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
