I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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