Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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