I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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