2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
