I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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