PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
