Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
