The brown eye won't let me do that either.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
