It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
