pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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