hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
