it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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