I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
His nipple licking is glorious
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