I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
