god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize