haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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