I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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