She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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