Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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