Old men and throwing up are my life now.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just gift wrapped bread.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Your cock deserves a montage
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
