the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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