The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
