Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
