this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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