I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
wow bdsm is so cute
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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