it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
