it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
