i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
