It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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