I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
