Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
