dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
