she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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