I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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