dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
