Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
