there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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