you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
