Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize