You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
