the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize