My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Best friends brother. Beat that.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
