i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
