He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
