The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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