Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
