we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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